31DTABB.

So I was reading a post from one of my favorite bloggers on here, Kaelah Bee. She was blogging about this book called 31 days to build a better blog by problogger. I bought the book, I thought it would be something nice to try out. I'm attempting to redesign the blog as well as put some more information on it. I'm still kind of a n00b to all of this because I haven't spent as much time on it.
I plan on doing great things with this in the future, so look out. (:

Since it's the Christmas Season, a lot of people are running some good sales.
With the 20% off coupon I got from American Eagle and the gift card I got in the secret santa, I think I'm going to do a little shopping for myself.
I'm getting...






I wanted this in black but we all know I'm not fitting into a small.

All for now, I hope tomorrow goes fast!
xo.

Each person in your life is there for a reason, Emma, and that reason always has something to do with love.

Like me,
The Universe

Well, Saturday was fun. (: Baked cookies with Aunt Daryl, Ellie, Becky and the kids. I wish I took more pictures, but I think Becky took some, so we're good. There was a minor icing and flour fight, but Uncle Jim stopped that after a while.

Monday and today were hell at work.
I'm coming in early tomorrow to get some overtime and to help.
The rest of this week couldn't go any faster.

I need my hair done soon.

I know I'm still far from you, and it feels like I'm still far from home.

yeah.

Some tattoo ideas I've been debating.

I've been thinking about what I want done next. I know I want more done to my back, and I know I want a whole piece. I'm almost positive I've decided it's going to be a landscape sort of thing. Here are some of my inspirations on how I want the tree too look or how I want the rest of the scenery to look. I have high hopes for this. (:









I've also been thinking about getting a Russian Nesting Doll like this on my thigh. I know my grandma isn't passed away or anything but it reminds me of her and my grandfather, who has. I played with this all the time at her house, and It just has a lot of memory. This isn't the exact one, but it's almost identical.


I haven't figured out what I want to get for my other grandparents yet, but this is something I've been thinking about since I got my first tattoo. I've just always put it off because I wanted something special and nothing felt "right" but that really does.

What do ya think?

seems like I've been posting a lot of long posts this month.

So tonight was my work Christmas party. I wish I could have taken more pictures and talked to more people, but it was a fun night. I took my sister because I'm lame and had no one else to ask. But that's really besides the point. So Anna and I got ready, and picked up Amber on the way. We get there right as the food was served. Perfect timing. (: We ate, it was really kind of awkward because we sat with a bunch of people I don't really talk to that much. But then we mingled and talked to this one couple for pretty much the whole time till the drawing started. Keep in mind last year I won a 32" LCD TV. This year I wasn't so lucky but I got a basket with a bunch of crackers and chocolate. Talked to people a little longer. I probably said a few things I shouldn't have but I don't know, I just thought it was wrong to blame someone for a problem that's not even really their fault. Yeah, It's going to be hell monday. I don't want to go back to work.
Got a few free drinks though. I only took two pictures though. :[


Amanda, Suzanne, Chip and I.


Anna and I. (Seester.)


I was also thinking I just want to go on a road trip, to a bunch of places, wherever we end up, with a bunch of friends having a good time. Then I realized almost all of my friends have gone away. I've either pushed them away or they've pushed me. I'd just love to do something like that. I think it would be so fun.

Well, it's getting late and I'm starting to get a little sleepy finally.

xo.


Ohhh, and I have about $70 saved.
I can't decide if I want to put it on my credit card balance, or actually save it. It's so nice having money saved, but I need to get that card paid off. >:0

I'm starting a good deed's jar. The end of this month will roll over into next year. I haven't decided if I'm going to keep it for six months, or a year. The main purpose of this is to put me in a better mood, and help save money, sort of.
I've made a list, of things I usually do every day or so, but would be better if I did them longer, or earlier. Like going to bed at 10:30 on weeknights, instead of midnight sort of thing. If I do these things, I put a dollar in the jar. For the 10:30 thing, I'll probably put in a $1.50 because it most likely won't happen too often, as you can see. Working out more than usual at the gym, which will pay off in the long run anyways, drinking a lot more water than I normally do.
At the end of the six months and or year, Whatever money is in there, I will treat myself to a gift(most likely more tattoos, yes I plan on putting that much money in there), or put it in savings. Putting it in savings would be the smart thing to do, but we will see. I should put a dollar in there for actually putting money into my savings. LOL!

A lot of things have been going through my mind lately, I don't know, maybe because it's the end of the year, maybe because I'm not so naive anymore.

So I should be going on vacation tomorrow morning, but I'm not. I'm not sure how I feel about this really, and I think I'm probably going to be in a bad mood the rest of the week if I keep thinking about it.

I've been trying to figure out a new years resolution and the only thing I could come up with is to actually practice the saying "DGAF." I know I say I don't know, but sometimes I still do. I'm pretty sure it will pay off in the long run. I need to stop caring about the stuff I currently do, and focus on the things I need to. No more worrying about stupid shit, or caring about stupid shit. Worry about my money. And how the hell I spend all of it in two weeks, every two weeks. That's the only thing that needs to be important to me right now. I feel like things would go so much smoother if I just stopped caring, or even stopped responding.

And on an even more positive note, another new years resolution is for me to move out. I think for the sake of my own sanity and that of my family's, it needs to be this year. I know I can do it, I just actually have to.

On another totally different side note, people never change. If you're waiting for someone to change, you're wasting your time. Just saying.

Well, here goes.

Unlike her, I was there for you through the tough times, when you actually needed a best friend. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore, maybe it never did. But it meant a lot to me, you meant a lot to me, & you still do.






"just tell me why I was never good enough. I think you owe me at least that much. after all the months of second guessing and falling down, you owe me this. so before you go run of to your pretty little new girlfriend, look me in the eyes and tell me why after I nearly killed myself.trying to be perfect for you, I still never really lived up to your expectations"


Better odds await the faint of heart. I've got a new disaster to start, I'm gonna make my day. Way too deep to cash out now, upside down and inside out. I never knew it was not okay. It's a neverender.


"Look, Finn, I have lived in a lot of places and I've met a lot of people and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that some people will always find a way to feel like they're better than everyone else around them. It sounds like Kayla is one of those people. She doesn't get that just because you have different experiences . . . because you like one thing and she likes another, that doesn't make her better. It just makes the two of you different. And if she thinks she's better than you, then she is just wrong. And not worth it."

Last night they said the fire had spread and we said our prayers, and now the flames are burning me in my bed but I just don't care. We all go to sleep in the same place and in the morning hope that we're all the same. We'll just sit around like broke down cars in the lot waiting for repairs.

There you go
There it goes

Well I wish that I was as good as you at caring and trusting. And I wish that my condition was new but I'm old and rusted. So we just hurry up only to wait, and add to the list of all the places we hate. And I'll pretend like I've got something to say but I've got nothing.

So if I'm a liar then you're a thief. At least we both know where the other one sleeps and lets end this tonight.

So if I'm a liar then you're a thief
At least we both know where the other one sleeps and lets end this tonight

I'm not fucking blind to the way that you talk around the truth. Not just what you say, but what you do. Played this tug of war way too fucking long. Like every time; again I've lost, you've won. You took advantage of the trust that I gave, took my forgiveness, rubbed it in my face.


You know I still know how, how much your love costs
You know when I peel back your layered lip gloss
You know I still know how to fuck your eyes crossed
It's your loss
It's your loss.


Secrets don’t make friends, but I’m really not looking to make any.

THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

“I’m crazy about you and I want you to know that if I had the choice of hanging out with anyone in the entire world or just sitting at home with you eating a pizza and watching a crappy TV show… I’d choose you every time.”

- Scrubs

You and I will always be unfinished business.

wasn't it me you didn't want? wasn't it me who was hanging on? now i'm done but before i go i want you to know; that this is how it feels. when you wait for a call that never comes. are you waking up cause you miss someone? this is how it feels when the trust you had is broken, & your left to burn with your heart wide open.

You can erase someone from your mind, getting them out of your heart is another story.

Love may be man-made

But it must exist
It's what you want the most
And most resist
Love's polluted
No, no, it's pure
It's convoluted
One thing I could say for sure
I couldn't love you anymore

I couldn't love you anymore


It's a game of fetch
We'll never win
You throw me out
It brings us back
You throw me out again
Loves an affliction
No, it's a cure
It's a contradiction that harms and heals
Adores and abhors
I couldn't love you anymore

I couldn't love you anymore


Love is a tantrum
Love is an interlude
Love is an instinct
Not now, dear, I'm not in the mood anymore

No, no, no, no, no
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

It's no big deal
It's not worth losing sleep
You over-analyze
The simplest things
Love's what you take
But can never give
Love's what you hate
You'll never figure out what it's for
I couldn't love you anymore

I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore
I couldn't love you anymore

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've would've happened...or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.
-tupac.

True that.

"I'd give you my everything if you gave me yours. I know we tried this a few times, but that was before. I'm ready if you're ready, and I'm pretty sure I am. I'm waiting for you here, but I don't know how long I can."

Friday Funday.

We had a Halloween party at work and a decent amount of people dressed up. I didn't get pictures of most but I'll share what I did get. We decorated pumpkins during the week as well.


Storm trooper? I hate Star Wars by the way.


Ours was the Spaceship on the end of the ledge.

Dave with "The Dave's" That was what we dressed up as. Our name tags were sweet. :D

Pretty excited to go out for Halloween tomorrow night with Amanda and Amber.

xo.

Things I want Thursday.

-Money.

I think most of us would like more of that.

-More sleep/better sleep.

I'm tired of waking up a million times in the middle of the night, tossing and turning due to an uncomfortable bed and or bad dreams. Though I can't do much about the nightmares, I did get a new bed. Hopefully that will make things better.

-To go to the movies.

I used to see movies all the time with various friends. I even got $50 worth of AMC gift cards for my birthday. I think I've used it once since then. How much sense does that make. I would so go see a lot of movies that are in theatres now or are being released soon.

-To be in love.

I don't care how corny that sounds. I want something real. I'm tired of all the bullshit.

-A dog.

Either a Great Dane


Or a Beagle.

-To be happier.

I think that's pretty self explanatory.



xo.

Someday, someone’s going to walk in your life and you’re going to know why it didn’t work out with anyone else.

I just need to remember that, and the reasons why certain people aren't in my life anymore.


xo.

"I'm going to base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms and who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are."


"I get confused, I don't understand all of it. but I keep pushing because I hope in this thing; the universe. There's no way I'm the only bad person out there who wants something this bad. If I want it someone else out there must too."





"I'd give you my everything if you gave me yours. I know we tried this a few times, but that was before. I'm ready if you're ready, and I'm pretty sure I am. I'm waiting for you here, but I don't know how long I can."


“I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your family, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life and I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision and I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn in life and I’ve learned that people will forget what you said and what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
-Maya Angelou

"You're probably thinking I've forgotten all about you by now, but that's far from it. I have missed you every waking day and my heart still hurts, but I'm getting better. I continue to smile and still go on without you. I know I have missed you, but I have kept it all inside of me, only for me to know. I still wonder about your doings, how you are, what you're doing, what we used to talk about, to the laugh in your voice. Just, everything. I miss it all. However, I feel that the parting of us was for the best, because everything happens for a reason. Should destiny put us into a crossing road in the future, that is when I will see you again. Until then, remember this; No matter what, even through the screaming fights, the disagreements, mistakes and the tears we've cried. Never, ever, did I give up on you. So if you ever need a helping hand, do not hesitate to ask. I may be far away, but I will always be in reach."


There's nothing you could reveal about yourself that I wouldn't want to know.
- Preston Burke

because sometimes there is no easy way out. you just have to grin & bear it. sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself, bite your lip. sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off.




i do understand the impulse. the impulse to put your hand out & want someone to be there at the end of your reach. to want someone to be close to. to want to kiss or touch even if it's wrong. the point is you can't control these feelings. even if they're wrong, they're there. they're always there.




all that i know is you don't just give up on people like that.This was an all or nothing deal and you gave me nothing.but i gave you everything. all of me.

I am so sore.
and tired.
and I really like this boy.
kaybye.

I have a really good feeling about this weekend, and at the same time it could turn out really bad. :x


Seriously, my phone is delaying messages and crap, it's annoying when you're trying to have a conversation with someone.


Oh well. See ya on Sunday night. Hopefully with a lot of pictures.

xo.

So on another site someone posted a video of 50 things that were important to them, and why. He also encouraged others to make the same list into a video. I want to make one soon.

Pretty much all I really did today. A bunch of nothing really. I feel so crappy, and bad. I should really think before I speak. Oh well, can't go back now.

It's kind of funny I posted that last night because this morning I received my note from the universe and it said...

True, you can't see what you can't see, Emma, you can't hear what you can't hear, and you can't feel what you can't feel. But still, you can know that you're not alone, that you're adored, and that absolutely everything will continue to work out for your very best, as it always has. It's built into your DNA.
-The Universe

Made me feel a tad bit better. I wish I would have thought of it while I was at work. It feels like the week will never end and the weekends go too fast.
I've been kinda frustrated too because the plugs I ordered on the 15th still haven't even been shipped. It's almost October pretty much. I had a feeling this was going to happen, too.

So tomorrow night after work I have to book the hotel for the gear heads weekend. I know it's only 45 minutes away, but I'll be up there Friday night, then have to drive home, drive back up Saturday morning, drive home Saturday night, drive back up Sunday morning and drive back home Sunday night. It's a little over $100 for two nights and to me that is more worth it than the hassle of going back and fourth six times. Plus I'm getting my own room so I don't have to be woken up before I need to and can go to bed whenever I want. I kind of want to dress up for the little trick or treat thing they're having in something scary, but I've already got my costume and it's so not track appropriate, not to mention I'd freeze my ass off. I'm thinking about getting something cheap though anyways. It'd be fun I think. I feel like I haven't been up at the track in forever, and it's kind nice though it means the end of racing season pretty much.

I don't know, it's been such a good Summer for the most part and I still don't want to face that it's over. I love the warm weather, the sun in my face. I love being able to walk around in flip flops and not worry about if I'm going to crash my car because of the snow and ice.

I'm really not looking forward to this wedding anymore. I just realized that I am going to have to go there myself, and pretty much be by myself the whole time because Chris is going to be in the wedding party. Could it get any more awkward? Well I guess not but I just don't have a good feeling about this anymore. Hopefully it goes okay though.


I really can't think of anything else I wanted to post right now but I'm sure I'll have something interesting soon.



xo.

I feel like everyone hates me right now.
I don't know.
Whatev.



xo.

No matter how things appear, Emma; no matter what you've overheard; and no matter how many people think otherwise... nothing can stop you, no one can hurt you, and you and I still have forever and ever.

Whoooohoooooooo!!
-The Universe

Often, it's the most deserving people that cannot help loving those who destroy them.






Your worst mistake was thinking this is about you.

Seriously, wtf. Pretty sure no one should tell me things that may piss me off when I'm drinking, because it makes it even worse. First off, get over it. I have. Second off, never EVER happening again. Third off, seriously, I'm so mad that you would even think I'm like that. I can't even keep my eyes open I'm so tired. Just had to put that out there that I was yay close to punching you in the face tonight.
That is all.
Kbye.
xo.

"It’s getting so hard to be around you. Because every time I see you, I see a stranger. You’ve changed, and I just miss the person you used to be. The one that cared, the one that wouldn’t ever hurt me, not if they could help it. But now, now all you care about is yourself. Maybe you never did care in the first place, I’m not sure. All I know is the person I loved so much is no longer there. Nothing is left of you. Everything’s changed, and I miss the person you used to be."

So I haven't posted much lately. I feel like there hasn't been much to really post about. This weekend was not too bad. I was miserable on Friday from working overtime. I went home and laid around all night. Which is a good thing because it was payday and I wasn't out spending my money.
I'm finally done with paying my car insurance till December. Thaaank god. Two months off. WooHoo.
Saturday I went to the track. I had planned on going out after but my dad was going good and I'm superstitious about that stuff. He made it two quarter finals and won a little bit of money. I can't wait till we take it all the way one night.
I spent most of the day with Linda and Sabrina. She is so cute. She was drawing on my EnV touch pretty much all day/night and taking pictures of everyone. She is going to be a character when she gets older.
Sunday was my lazy day. I gathered up my clothes and pretty much laid around all day. I think I have way too many outfits for my own good. Yet I never have anything to wear. Nothing else good to blog about I guess.

xo.

I tried filling in my eyebrows for once, I think they look pretty nice if I do say so myself.

Kinda makes me mad because I feel like everyone lied to me. Like I wasn't wanted, then preceeded to not answer my text. Like it's not that big of a deal, I don't care that much.
Whatever.

I went to barroom last night for Kay's birthday, spent waayyy too much on shots but I had a good night. Went home and passed the hell out.

I don't really have any plans for tonight and to be honest I am really just wanting to stay home. Maybe I'll do something interesting tomorrow.

xo.

Emma, do you know why dogs are so quick to wag their tails and cats are so quick to purr? Even the ones that have been lonely, abused, and betrayed?

Because, as is true of all animals, they were instilled with the distant awareness that no matter what the world shows them, they're still deeply loved and needed, that their presence alone has made a difference, and that in just the shake of a leg, seemingly without reason or rhyme, everything can fantastically change for the better.

As is true of all people, except sometimes they tend to forget.

I bought an enV touch today, and the highlight of my day was learning how to use the thing that stamps postage on envelopes at work.
god, I am sad.


I can't wait for the weekend. : D


xo.

Got my hair done. Love it.
Red almost everywhere and brown underneath it all. I wish my cell phone camera took better pictures, it looks really nice.

I'm too tired to post anything else.
xo.


PS. I'm pretty sure you look like you could eat someone too, so you have no room to really even open your mouth. (:

So the weekend is already over. I hate how the days off go so fast and the days you work are so slow. This weekend was actually pretty nice. Friday I went shopping and I was supposed to go out with Mark but I dunno what happened and we didn't go out. Saturday I went down to southside with Chris, his room mate and some of his friends. It was actually pretty fun. I think I have a love hate relationship with that place. Anytime before I head down there, I dread it. After I'm there I have such a good time it was worth it.

So I'm starting to save for an apartment now. It won't be much but it will still be more than if I wasn't trying. I'm putting off getting more of my back done till I start saving more. I guess I'm trying to be a little more responsible.


I want to put my ring back in my nose, but I have so much trouble when my nails are done getting that thing in. Good thing I'm getting my nails taken off soon. I'm also going to be a red head after work tomorrow. I'm pretty pumped about that. I wanted it last time but we didn't do it bright enough. This time I'm going all out.

I don't know it seems like I've been in such a better mood lately and everything is going well, and yet I still let certain people upset me. When I know what they say isn't true and I don't care what they think about it anyways. I love how people try and talk to me like they know what they're talking about too, because 98% of the time, they don't.


I don't know why but this is one of my most favorite pictures I've taken. I just found it on my old computer.


I think we're having a party next weekend for labor day. fucking right.

I gotta get to bed, it's a school night. :[

xo.

Success comes in cans, not cant's.

"Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want."

Things seem to be going pretty good these days. I can't really complain. Payday is Friday, I'm going racing tomorrow night (weeknight racing, what?!) and I think I'm going out for Mark's birthday on Thursday. I was supposed to go to sonic tonight with Trista and Aub, but plans changed. :[ I miss her.

Last night I went out to Friday's with Amanda, Tony and Sam for Amanda's birthday. It was nice seeing her for a little while, and it not being at Kennywood.

All and all I really don't have much to say besides that.


xo.

I can't believe it's the end of August already. Everyone is going back to school, just another day of work for me. It feels like I should be doing what everyone else is doing right now. Finishing up school, trying to figure out where I go from here. I'm not. I've been out of school for over a year now, not because I graduated but because I couldn't afford it. I'm not complaining by any means, I have a good full time job which is hard to find sometimes. I have the best family and friends and I'm enjoying every bit of summer that is left. I guess I kinda feel like I got jipped or something by not going to going away to college. Whatever.

Went to a pool party today, and needless to say I'm SO glad I'm not in high school anymore. I love hanging out with people from the track though. I'm going to miss everyone over the winter.

It's kinda crazy how much closer Anna and I have gotten these past few months as well. She's my sister and sometimes I just want to punch her, but I love her to death.

...and then you leave. just like everyone else has. why should I try, or care?

I’ve accepted that we can’t be but I’ve also accepted that you’re going to be that one person I carry with me for the rest of my life, the one who is always going to make my heart jump a little and my stomach tie up in knots.




and he said, "You're everything I ever wanted but It's never enough. You're never enough."

This still makes me laugh.

I'm sorry about that touchdown dance where I had sex with your girlfriend. That was really rude.

Tosh.0	Returns Oct. 8th
Terrell Owens Apologizes
www.comedycentral.com
Daniel Tosh Miss Teen South Carolina Demi Moore Picture

August 21st, 2009.

Last night I went to Kennywood then out with the 292 girls. Pretty fun. Rode around with Sky and her friend. Got to see Lindsay, Doug and Kayley. I almost lost my flip flops a few times to the floor at Matrix, but I made it out okay. Haha. The rain finally stopped by the time we barroom at two. All in all it was a good night.
Today I had the day off so I went to Ikea with Anna to look at furniture. Found a set I really liked so once I get my bed, I'm going out to get those.
Dad said I could re paint my room too and he would fix all the crack in the ceiling. I'm pretty excited about that. I'll pretty much get to design the room myself and make sure everything matches. I might paint the room a light green, keep it a somewhat baby blue or paint it cream with brown at the bottom.
Going to the race track tomorrow, like usual.

August 19th, 2009.

Totally didn't win the powerball. Bummer.
Kennywood then going out with the Kohl's girls after.
I'm so pumped for the half day tomorrow then three day weekend.
I'm taking myself furniture shopping Friday. Woo.
And I'll be able to recoup from Thurs. Ha.

night.
xo.

August 18th, 2009.

You never promised to stick around, so I don't know why I expected you to. I guess I just wanted to believe you were better when everyone knew you weren't.






You’ve been dealt the bad hand and I should have known from these words that I would want to be a part of your life. Everyone who doesn’t deserve it is surrounded by the people who could mean the world to someone better. I think you’ve had your fair share of hurt and betrayal, even if you won’t open up to me about what it is just yet. In such a short time you have altered me. And I greatly appreciate your compassion.





i just wish i could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don't have to try anymore. & you can just sit around & just goof on tv shows & then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.

August 17th, 2009.

So last weekend was pretty hectic and I had a ton of fun. Friday night I went to go get a new Blackberry but after waiting about 45 min for someone to wait on us, I was told if I didn't wait till Sept. 2nd I wouldn't get $50 off and I'd have to pay an extra $20 for upgrading early. Needless to say I didn't get the tour just yet. September 2nd I will be down there though, FOR SUREE. After that we stopped to see Ashley at Omaha Steaks and I spent the rest of the night at home. FUN.
Saturday I went bed shopping with mom, not getting into it because I'm pretty sure I already did once before. Saturday night was probably the most fun I've had in a while.
Which A: Shows how lame I am.
B: Shows I need to get out more
and C: Shows I need to find new people to go out with.

Didn't go to sleep till about 5:15 am and woke up around 6:50 am. Felt a little sick, so I got my stuff and drove home. Showered and in bed by 7:45 am and got a gooood sleep.
Laid around all Sunday and didn't go to sandcastle.
Today was the usual. Work then came home. I Didn't go to the gym because it was hot as hell and who knows if they put the air conditioning on. That's okay though because Amanda and I are going out for a funhall walk/catch up session in about an hour.

August 16th, 2009.

August 15th, 2009.

Pretty sure I look damn cute tonight. I'm celebrating Nikki's 21st. I am so glad to be going out and just forgetting about everything. Having a good time, meeting a lot of new people and seeing some old acquaintances.





I went out with mom today to look at stuff for my room. Seems harmless, right? Yeah it turned out horrible. I need a new bed, this one is so old and uncomfortable. I'm over it. I'm almost positive I want to redo my room in light blue and dark brown though. Maybe some light green as well. Considering my walls are baby blue and my dad won't let me paint. I think it's going to look really nice when I'm done. (: I'll pretty much have my own bedroom/living room up here. I'm so glad my room is a decent size.

This is what it's going to be based off of, pretty much.


Gotta go finish getting my stuff together.

xo.

I want to start using this again. I think I'm gonna. (:

I think it's pretty self explanitory.

I am so alone, and I find myself wanting you here more than anyone else. It still amazes me because we are no where near as close as we used to be. I miss you. I had a dream about you last night. Even though I was mad at you for a bit, you managed to make everything better. I miss that. I want you to come see everything here, I just want to spend time with you. I hate feeling like this and thinking about things.

I really want something to work out, it's unfair. I don't understand anything anymore if it doesn't. I don't want to wait. I'm impatient. I feel like I deserve this.

As for most people, I think I've pushed a lot of people away because I get annoyed way too fast. I can't do anything with out letting little things get to me. At the same time I feel like people walk all over me, and I just don't want to be around them anymore. by the way, if you talk to someone I've hooked up with as more than friends, I probably won't want to be your friend anymore. s'all I'm tryna say. I think it's shady, why would you want my sloppy seconds?

I'm tired of you telling me what you think I need to do. You're not a good friend of mine, you're not my family and you don't know much about me. And you don't need to talk shit on my family. I'm pretty much over you and I try to ignore you as much as possible anymore. You're ridiculous. I don't want to hang out with your sisters friends, I don't want to be put on blind dates. I do what I want. Get the fuck out of my personal life. I don't mind being social, but I don't want your opinion/advice. If I did, I would ask you.

I can't save for shit. I need to get out of this house. I really need to work on this.


I need to stop sitting at home so much. I think too much.

PS, Your tits can't always be hanging out if you don't have any, sorry.
And trust me, I'm not jealous of you, and/or your boyfriend. Or the fact that you look like more of a man than he does. Just sayin'.

I tried to tell you everything, but I'm pretty sure you won't take it well.
I think it's time for me to grow some balls.

They're always fighting, and to my surprise I actually want to take his side. I kind of feel bad but I just want it to stop. I want her to stop being a cunt all the time.

I want to stop being so shy.


I want a lot of things.

It's like it somehow still manages to hurt me, when I don't care anymore.
Maybe it means I still care.
I don't know.
I don't want it to mean anything.
anymore.




PS. I totally hate myself right now. LOLOLOLZ!!!111!1!!1

aggrivated, frustrated but never fucking scared.
Keep running your mouth, karma has already come back to you more than I could ever hope for. You are dead to me, I wish you would act the same. I really don't give a fuck at all. I'm sorry no one really likes you and almost everyone talks shit about you and your nothing boyfriend. I guess that's what you get when you talk shit on everyone else. You're fake. You get people to do what you want by bullying and fighting with them. I'm sorry you're jealous I have actual friends, you don't deserve them anyways.

Please, please tell me who these haters are that you speak of, because if you're referring to me, I can assure you I DO NOT want you. I mean do you really think I could be with someone with so little ambition to make a better life for themselves.

I finally got an amazing opportunity to live on my own, somewhat and finally start having my own life. I really hope that everything works out, because I really think I need this. I need a change that is going to be good for me. Not all this bullshit that has been happening.

So my 21st birthday is coming up in less than a week, and to be honest I could really care less. Isn't this this something I should be looking forward to? Nothing is going the way I planned it's making me want to just sit at home and do nothing like I have the past few Friday's this month. Fucking whatever.

I'm so tired of all the bullshit other people talk. Don't say something if you don't mean it. To be pretty blunt, I really don't care if you like me or not, just don't act like you do, then start dating someone 3 days later. I mean most of the time, I just don't want a relationship. The one time I could actually see something happening, you move to someone new that quick. It's not my loss, I ain't shedding a tear, but seriously, who does that? Oh wait, apparently every person I "talk to." Fuck it, that's why I want nothing to do with people.

I could go on so much more, but I'm running on no sleep and migraines. Goodnight.

im so over things never going the way i want them too.
oh well.
i can't wait for vacation.

i really don't know anymore.
i just can't wait till i turn 21.
and if all goes well, move out in a few months.
i can always hope, right?

welp, i'm glad i have a good full time job where i can afford to pay 5+ bills a month, and still have money to do whatever the hell i want, and go on vacations. you could have had that. i'm glad i am actually going somewhere in life. if you don't have ambitions, and are already having troubles, it will only get worse. i hope you fail, by the way.

i wish it was friday again. :[

i'm just over all the childishness.
all the being worked up over nothing.
all the drama for no reason.
all the things that i stopped doing years ago.
i thought i made the changes, and rid those people of my life.
apparently not.
some things need to change.